25 Common Sense Parenting Tips

This is the first of a three-part post series on common sense parenting tips.

First, a disclaimer: I am not a parenting expert. But I have raised two children who are now successful, independent adults and who still love to spend time with their parents, so we must have done something right! I am also an elementary school teacher with 28 years of experience. So I have seen a LOT in terms of parenting (many good things, some really stupid things). I’ll share some general rules and consequences tips in this post. My next posts will focus on technology, extracurricular activities, and homework tips.

Here are 25 common sense parenting tips:

1 – YOU are the adult. Your children are children and they need you to be the grown-up. You do not need to ask their permission when you give them a direction to do something or tell them about a decision you’ve made. You don’t need to add the word “okay?” to the end of your directions, as that implies that you are asking their permission for the directive you just gave. You can ask something like, “Do you understand?” or “Do you have any questions?”.

What you are telling them to do may not be up for discussion. Explain that you are the parent, that you love your child no matter what, and that it is your job to help them learn what they need to do to be _____ (fill in the blank: a good person, honest, hard-working, a good student, whatever). Then tell them what the limit/rule/consequence is and enforce it. The end. No need for lengthy explanations of why (they will tune you out anyway) or asking if that’s okay with them (it won’t be — they are a child and they want what they want when they want it).

2 – You are not your child’s friend. You are their parent. They are two separate roles. Every adult that considers their parent to be a “best friend” will tell you that when they were growing up, their parent was a parent to them, not their buddy. Don’t worry about your child expressing indignation when you set limits. It will pass and they will get over it.

3 – Be a “warm demander”. Warmth and showing love are important, but discipline is just as important. The word “discipline” actually comes from the Latin word “disciplina” which means “instructing” or “teaching”. Children feel more secure and loved when their parents set limits for them and actually enforce those limits. Plus, your kids will learn self-control and how to tolerate frustration. Being a warm demander means having high expectations for your child, but also being willing to teach them how to meet those expectations.

4 – There is no such thing as privacy until they are paying their own bills. You do have the right to monitor their use of technology in whatever way you want to do that. Keep in mind that your kids are probably much savvier with technology than you are. If you suspect online activity that goes against your family’s values, look into ways to track their online activities and set limits (such as no phones after a certain time of night, no online games after a certain time, limits on social media, etc.).

5 – There is a verse in the Old Testament book of Proverbs that is a good precept to follow. The verse is Proverbs 22:6:

“Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.”

This verse is a good precept since it addresses everything! Think about what you want your children to be like when they’re adults. Do you want them to have good manners? Start training them now. Do you want faith to be an important part of their lives? Start training them and talking to them about your own faith now. Do you want them to be responsible and hard-working? Start training them now. It doesn’t just suddenly happen when they turn 18.

6 – Talk about your values and what is important to you as a family. As your kids get older, it’s okay to admit your failings and all the ways you work toward a goal but fall short sometimes. Your kids will see that anyway so you might as well be honest about it and model the trait of messing up but working to fix it and to improve.

7 – Make your kids do chores! I am amazed at how many parents feel guilty for asking their child to do chores at home. Doing chores helps a child to feel a sense of purpose within the family — their help is needed to keep the home and family running smoothly.

Here’s an article with a list of age-appropriate chores for children.

8 – Listen. Being in the car is the best place for this. I don’t know if it’s because you aren’t looking directly at them that gives them the freedom to talk. But whatever the reason — take advantage of the time and just listen.

9 – When your child wants to talk about something, let them talk. Even if it’s not the most convenient time for you.

10 – Speaking of listening, try not to jump in and give advice until the moment is right. Just let them talk. It’s okay to ask, “Do you want my help with this?” or “Do you want some suggestions for . . .?”, but try to let them talk through it and tell you what is happening.

11 – Listen for the feeling behind the words. While your daughter might be complaining about a friend’s treatment of her or how a teacher handled a situation, listen for what might really be bothering her. Is she worried about not having any friends? Is she worried about the teacher being unfair to her in some way? Sometimes the actual worry is hidden behind the stories she is telling you.

12 – Listening is important. Hearing what your child has to say is important. But watch your response. Kids take their cues from how you react to things and your reactions could either make the situation worse OR cause your child to shut down and not talk to you.

Here are some common mistakes I have seen (and some I have made myself and corrected).

~over-sympathizing. If you jump right in with “oh how awful, you poor baby, come to mama, let’s have some cookies and milk”, your child will get the idea that this truly is a life and death situation and they should be afraid. That does not mean that you shouldn’t sympathize with the difficulty they are facing. It just means that you listen but don’t overdo it in terms of sympathy. Try to get your child into problem-solving mode.

Here’s an example of what to say instead:

“I hate that this happened between you and your friend. I know it really hurts. That happened to me once too. But let’s think about what we can do to fix it” (or to deal with it if you don’t deem it fix-able).

You have just expressed sympathy and care, you have let your child know that you are on their side, but you shift to helping them take ownership of the problem and how to work it out.

~automatically believing every word they say. I know this may be hard to hear, but the best kids out there will still lie, evade the truth, or slant the truth in favor of their position. That does not mean that they are evil people. It actually is a positive in that it shows they are highly motivated to not get in trouble!

So here’s what to do. When they tell you some story about how they have been wronged, ask them questions about how the whole situation came about. I don’t mean that you jump to blaming them for what happened — just try to get them to recreate the event as it actually was, not how they wished it was!

When you finally get a more balanced story, thank them for telling you the truth. Then walk through the situation with them, talking about how the events could have been prevented or how the situation could have been improved. Just like in the first scenario — be on their side, but shift to helping them be a problem-solver, not a whiner/complainer/”woe is me” kind of kid. If you need more perspective on something that happened at school, contact the teacher.

~they get bad news of some type (they are in “that” teacher’s class, their best friend is moving away, they didn’t make the team). Sympathize, yes, then look for the positives. Shift into that problem-solving mode again.

Don’t act as if it is the worst possible thing that could ever happen. As I mentioned before, that makes them feel even worse about the situation. You are not helping them when you do that. You are handicapping them when you make them dependent on you to make them feel better but not actually equipping them to handle problems in the real world.

~on the flip side — automatically blaming them or criticizing them for whatever problem they share with you. That will shut down communication altogether. Just be quiet and listen. Keep your mouth shut. When you shift into that problem-solving mode, THEN you can ask if there are some things that they could do to make this situation better (or not occur at all). You might even suggest some of your thoughts at this point. But try to do that in a way that makes you their ally rather than their critic.

~jumping to conclusions about what they share with you. Like the example of lying, do not assume that just because your child lied to you it means that they are a hardened criminal. Reminder: they are motivated to stay on your good side and not get in trouble –that is a positive thing.

So if they share something with you that shows them in a negative light, do not panic. Remind them (and yourself) that we all make mistakes and we all need grace. The important thing is to admit to the mistake, to fix it as best we can, and to move on and try to learn from that experience.

Your grace and forgiveness (and shifting into that problem-solving mode) will do more to assure them of your constant love and your willingness to help them than any criticizing could ever do. I’m not saying to never criticize — but there is a time and a place for that, and when they are confessing something to you — that is neither the time nor the place.

13 – Say what you mean and mean what you say. Do not make threats you cannot or do not want to keep. Doing this actually builds your child’s trust in you. When they know they can count on you to set limits, they also know they can depend on you for everything else in their life.

14 – Speaking of threats of consequences, start small. A minute of time-out can be very effective when the child wants to play. No need to start with ten minutes when one minute will do.

15 – Make sure the punishment fits the crime. If they say something rude or hurtful, they should apologize and then say something kind. If they talk back to you, they should apologize and re-phrase what they want to say. If they violate technology privileges, they need to lose some time. If they don’t complete a chore, they need to lose some free time.

16 – If there is some behavior you want to change, you are going to have to threaten your child’s “standard of living”. By this I mean that you will need to take something away that they value. But the punishment needs to fit the crime.

If they abuse cell phone privileges, they lose the phone for a certain amount of time. If they are throwing toys, they are removed from the play area and have to sit in time-out. If they are saying mean things or getting aggressive, they are removed from the group and sit in time-out until they are calm and can apologize. No screen time or play time until homework or chores are complete.

17 – Warnings & consequences – I think it’s fine to give a warning before imposing a consequence. Notice I said A warning – meaning one. Do not threaten over and over or do the dreaded “I’m going to count to three” and then not follow through. Your child will only learn that you don’t really mean it and they can continue with whatever behavior they are doing.

18 – Tell them that you love them, every single day. Bonus points for telling them more than once a day! You can never say it enough. Don’t just assume your child knows you love them. You need to say the words.

19 – Remind them that your “job” as a parent is to love them no matter what but to also teach them to be a good person. And that’s why you set limits for them and try to help them understand how they need to behave or do important tasks (like school work, chores, etc.). Limit TV and too much screen time early on. It’s far easier to allow them more time later than it is to try to take away something that has been their habit since toddler age.

20 -Teach your kids to respect everyone, regardless of gender, race, ethnicity, religion, etc. It is fine to acknowledge differences, but it is important to respect all people and know that we are more alike than unalike. This LINK gives some great tips for teaching your child racial consciousness while promoting racial justice.

21 – Teach, and expect them to use, basic good manners. Saying “please”, “thank you” and “excuse me” will always earn respect from others and will help them make the best impression.

22 – If you are the parent of a preschool-aged child, teach your child to be socially acceptable to both adults and other children BEFORE they start kindergarten. If you don’t, someone else will let them know that they are annoying or rude or whatever, and it will probably be done in a much less loving way than how you would teach them.

Studies show that kids with good social skills (cooperating with peers without prompting, helpfulness, empathy with others’ feelings, and ability to resolve problems on their own) are far more likely to earn a college degree and have a full-time job by age 25 than those with more limited skills.

23 – Some behaviors to squelch in a young child: having to be first all the time, not following rules (if they don’t follow rules, they don’t play – period.), burping/belching, rude comments (explain to them about how it can hurt feelings), doing annoying things and not stopping when told to stop.

24 – Both parents need to be on the same page! If you have differences in how you want to handle something, discuss it away from the child’s hearing. When you’re with your kids, both parents need to enforce the same rules and consequences.

25 – I know I’ve said this before, but I will say it again. Tell your child that you love them unconditionally, at least one time every day. Kids really cannot hear those words enough. Notes are great, texts are fun, but nothing beats the sound of a parent’s voice reminding their child that they are loved, no matter what.

LAST TIP:
*And finally — the most important tip of all. Prioritize yourself and your marriage. Your kids need you to be the best parent you can be. That means taking care of yourself so that you can be your best. See my posts about self-care on this site and make it a priority.

As for your marriage — keep that as a higher priority as well. Many parents tend to think that kids should be a higher priority. But the research is clear that a strong marriage is the best environment for kids. I once heard someone say that your marriage is the sun and your children are the orbiting planets. That seems like a good analogy to me. Children thrive when the adults around them are healthy and happy.

Here are some books that have helped me through the years. Even if you don’t agree with everything in these books, you will find some wisdom to guide you.

And Then I Had Kids: Encouragement for Mothers of Young Children by Susan Alexander Yates
And Then I Had Teenagers: Encouragement for Parents of Teens & Preteens by Susan Alexander Yates
The New Dare to Discipline by James Dobson
The New Strong-Willed Child by James Dobson
The New Six Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children by John Rosemond
John Rosemond’s Fail-Safe Formula for Helping Your Child Succeed in School by John Rosemond
The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed by Jessica Lahey
How Children Succeed by Paul Tough
The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter & How to Make the Most of Them Nowby Meg Jay