Common Sense Parenting – technology & extracurricular activities

First, a disclaimer: I am not a parenting expert. But I have raised two children who are now successful, independent adults and who still love to spend time with their parents, so we must have done something right! But I am also an elementary school teacher with 28 years of experience. So I have seen a LOT in terms of parenting (many good things, some really stupid things). In my last post, I shared tips on setting rules and consequences. In this post, I’ll share thoughts on technology and extracurricular activities. My next post will focus on homework tips.

7 TECHNOLOGY TIPS:
1 – Here’s what I know: you have to be vigilant. Our kids are growing up much more tech-savvy than we will ever be. You have to stay on top of what the latest social media trends are as well as what the media says about technology dangers. This article from the New York Times gives a lot of good information regarding guidelines for every age and when & how to limit your child’s technology use.

2 – Check in with other parents who share your values and get on the same page with what you all agree is appropriate (when to get a cell phone, how much screen time they are allowed daily, appropriate video games to allow, etc.).

3 – Since technology is ever-changing, you are going to need to change your responses. For example: when my kids set up Facebook accounts, they had to “friend” me. I then checked their Facebook page about once a month and made a comment to them (NOT on Facebook — in person!) about something I saw on their page. It wasn’t necessarily a negative comment, just a comment about something I saw or someone I noticed was a “friend” of theirs. This gave my kids the impression that I was constantly monitoring their Facebook page, even though I wasn’t. I say all of that, knowing that Facebook is not even a “thing” with kids anymore! So change your monitoring and your rules to fit the technology of your kids’ world. Also – see my tip in my first post about privacy. My basic rule is: “there is no such thing as privacy until you are paying your own bills.” If you bought the phone or device (or if you are paying the monthly bills for it), it belongs to you. Therefore, you have the right to check it any time you want. I highly recommend monitoring your child’s texts and online searches regularly. I had a student this past school year who was frequenting porn sites while his mom thought he was doing his homework. It happens.

4 – Be a good model of technology use yourself. Put phones and iPads away when you’re at the dinner table, either at home or when you are out to eat. There is nothing sadder to me than to see a family out to dinner and everyone is on their phone or a tablet. My aunt has a rule that everyone puts their phone in a basket when they come to her house for dinner. Just put it away and you won’t be distracted or tempted to check it every two minutes.

5 – Social media – This is becoming a big deal at younger ages. Talk to your child about the benefits of social media. These include: maintaining friendships, sharing interests, developing relationships with family, connection to online global communities, collaborative learning and creativity. (Hopefully, your child is learning about how to use social media in these ways at school. If they are not, suggest that your school teach appropriate use.) However, there are also risks, which include: being exposed to inappropriate content, uploading inappropriate content (“sexting” for instance), sharing personal information with strangers, FOMO (fear of missing out). This article talks about ways to teach your child good social media habits. It’s important to stress to your kids that social media is often someone else’s highlight reel and that what is posted is not what their life looks like all the time. Talk about how you unfollow content that you notice is having a negative effect on your own self-esteem or that is causing stress or anxiety.

6 – Cyberbullying – This is becoming more prevalent. While many schools do a great deal to teach students about the topic, you will need to reinforce this at home. You need to know the warning signs and what to do if you suspect your child is bullying others or is being bullied themselves. This article gives more information about this important topic.

7 – And now for a tip that might not seem to fall under the topic of technology: Talk to your child in age-appropriate ways about their body (especially about body safety), about puberty body changes, and about sex. Some helpful resources include this article about body safety, this article about puberty changes, and this article about talking to your child about sex. Why? They are going to be curious and they will try to find out information in some way (often from friends or from the Internet). If you want them to hear such information from you, then be ready to answer questions and be ready to raise the issues when you feel the time is right. You want your child to get accurate information and to hear your own family values with regard to sex. So be proactive and address the issue yourself.

8 EXTRACURRICULAR & SOCIAL ACTIVITIES TIPS

1 – When kids say that they want to try different activities, parents often want to support their interest and sign them up for that sport or musical instrument training or club. But be careful. Kids often change their minds, lose their motivation for doing something and want to switch to something else. Then parents get upset because of all the money spent, time invested, etc. So talk to your child about what they say they want to do. Why do they want to do that activity? (Sometimes it’s just because their best friend does the activity, not because they have any interest in the activity itself.) Talk to them about the level of commitment required. (For example: soccer might involve one or two training practices per week and games on weekends. That might take time away from other things your child enjoys doing.) Also think honestly about the time commitment and financial commitment for your family. Is there something else they could try first that might not require so much investment? Don’t get me wrong — I think that all of the extracurricular options available for kids today are great. They give kids outlets for other interests and talents. But YOU are still in charge. Don’t sign your child up for something that they don’t have a real commitment to learning how to do OR for something that is going to cause undue stress on your family, just because they want to try something out.

2 – Overscheduling – This sometimes follows naturally from signing up for extracurricular activities. This scenario has happened more times than I can count:

Me – “Johnny, where is your homework?”
Johnny – “Oh, I didn’t have time to do it.”
Me – “What do you mean, you didn’t have time?”
Johnny – “Well, I had karate on Monday, then Cub Scouts on Tuesday, then chess club on Wednesday, then I had soccer try-outs on Thursday. When I get home, I have to eat dinner and take a shower and then it’s time for bed.”
Me –

Eye Roll Annoyed GIF from Eyeroll GIFs

I certainly do not want to discourage extracurricular activities OR eating dinner, taking a shower and getting to bed on time. But that schedule is just not appropriate for a child. I once heard someone say that kids should be limited to two outside activities per semester. Outside activities might also include church activities (such as youth group or choir) if that is a priority for your family. Two activities per semester seem like a pretty good rule to me. If you try to stick to that, it helps your child prioritize what they REALLY want to do, instead of just jumping into whatever activity du jour that their friends are doing.

3 – Try very hard to have family meals. According to The Family Dinner Project, benefits include:
~Better academic performance
~Higher self-esteem
~Greater sense of resilience
~Lower risk of substance abuse
~Lower risk of teen pregnancy
~Lower risk of depression
~Lower likelihood of developing eating disorders
~Lower rates of obesity

pizza

4 – Try to maintain a balance of family time, school time, church time, extracurricular activities, and unstructured time to just hang out at home and play or daydream. Don’t let extracurricular activities take over the balance.

5 – If attending church is a value in your family, do not give your child a choice about whether or not to attend. They don’t have a choice about whether or not to attend school, do they? They are too young to make choices like that. When they leave home, they can make their own choices about whether they want to attend church.

6 – When it comes to social activities, you will hear this: “Everyone else is doing/going/whatever-ing”. Don’t fall for this one. First of all, does that even make sense? Everyone else is NOT doing it. Next, your child will not be a hermit or a social outcast if they don’t go. You can always use the ever-popular saying, “If everyone else was jumping off a bridge, would you do it?” That usually shuts them up, but it’s better to follow that up with “here is why I don’t want you to . . . “ and explain your position. They may whine and argue, but stick to your guns.

Another option here is to talk with other parents who share your values. Are they allowing their child to go? Why or why not? Knowledge is power and there is strength in numbers. When you band together with other parents who share your values, that gives you power when explaining your position to your child. Once you have made a decision about the activity, stand your ground. Unless some mitigating circumstance changes (parents are going along, for instance), do not back down. If you back down, that will teach your teen or preteen that they can “bully” you into changing your mind and you will be in for a battle every single time.

This might also be a good time to remind your child that you love them unconditionally. They will not care to hear it at this particular time. But it’s a good time to reiterate that your love includes keeping them safe and doing what you think is in their best interest. I used to tell my kids that I have this funny/peculiar need to keep them alive and well and this is my decision. (For the record, they did not think I was as funny as I thought I was!) But injecting some humor into the situation can lighten up the mood.

7 – Do not automatically believe your child when they say that the other kid’s parents will be home or supervising at a social event. Call and confirm that information yourself. Your child will claim that you are humiliating them and causing them irreparable social harm. Call and confirm anyway. Here is what you can say: “I love you and I want you to be safe. Believe it or not, I was a teenager once and I know how these situations can get out of hand. It’s my job to help protect you from bad situations so I am going to confirm that ____’s parents will be present and will be supervising. If they’re not, you’re not going. End of discussion.”

8 – Do not automatically believe parents who say that they will be supervising. That word can be used very loosely by different parents. For some parents, that means that they can go to bed and leave kids on their own, thinking that as long as they are in the house, then the kids are safe. Some parents actually allow alcohol to be served in their home, rationalizing that “kids are going to drink anyway – I’d rather they drink in my house rather than out somewhere”. Stick to your guns on what YOU believe is right for YOUR child. If you do not share that attitude, then do not allow your child to go. Here is an article that gives more info on the exact alcohol laws for every state. And here is an article with more info on the dangers of underage drinking.

LAST TIPS
*Prioritize yourself and your marriage. Your kids need you to be the best parent you can be. That means taking care of yourself so that you can be your best. See my posts about self-care on this site and make it a priority. As for your marriage — keep that as a higher priority as well. Many parents tend to think that kids should be a higher priority. But the research is clear that a strong marriage is the best environment for kids. I once heard someone say that your marriage is the sun and your children are the orbiting planets. That seems like a good analogy to me. Children thrive when the adults around them are healthy and happy.

*And finally — the most important tip of all. Tell your child that you love them unconditionally, at least one time every day. Kids really cannot hear those words enough. Notes are great, texts are fun, but nothing beats the sound of a parent’s voice reminding their child that they are loved, no matter what.