Difficult students — we all have them. Every single year. And they can seriously get on your nerves and drive you crazy.
This is the time of the school year when everyone has been together for awhile and all are feeling pretty comfortable. This period of time between winter break and spring break can be your best teaching time of the year. But I have found that this is also a time when teachers notice more problematic behavior coming to the surface, especially with students who have experienced trauma or who have any mental health issues.
While the term “difficult students” is not a positive one and tends to be a catch-all term, think of it as a way to describe students who are HAVING a difficult time instead of students who are BEING difficult. This tends to change your mindset toward them and their problems. Trying to see them as students who need your help rather than students who are trying to get on your last nerve makes a big difference!
Here are 14 tips for helping them with their difficulties while maintaining your own balance.
1 – If you are not already in the habit of greeting your students at the door each morning or before each class change, try that first. Greeting them with a warm smile, saying “good morning” or “good afternoon”, using touch with which you and your students are comfortable (side hug, handshake, fist bump, high five) all make a big difference. I have found that when I don’t greet my students each day, I don’t feel as “connected” to each student. Imagine how the students must feel! Make sure you actually look each student in the eye and call them by name. Knowing that you “see” each student and you “know” them in this way matters to them, even if they act like it doesn’t.
2 – Find the good. Look for anything/everything that is positive about the student. Comment on that to the student and to anyone else who works with the student, within earshot of the student if possible. Yes, you may need to make an effort to look hard to find something positive that they are doing. But think about it this way: when you look for the negative in anyone or anything, you will find it. And when you look for the positive in anyone or anything, you will find that. Just try it.
3 – When you do find the good, also look for opportunities to reinforce the good. For instance, if the student has a good sense of humor, when they use that in an appropriate way, make a positive comment about it or compliment them for it. Some students prefer to receive positive reinforcement in front of peers and some prefer to receive it privately. Try to find out how your student prefers to receive positive comments and use that.
4 – Spend 2 minutes a day with the student. I learned this strategy from Angela Watson in her blog post HERE. I use this time to just visit with the student. I don’t “fuss” about what they need to change (as tempting as it may be), but do talk about any positive behaviors I see. I also ask them what is going on with them, both in school and outside of school. What do they like to do when they get home? Who do they like to hang out with? What makes them happy every day? I sometimes ask them what they need from me to have a successful day/week/school year. The goal here is to connect with the student, to show them you care about them as a person, and to learn more about what makes them unique.
5 – The two-minute technique is a good one for building your relationship with the student. But don’t get me wrong — there is also nothing wrong with having a conference with them about their behavior! They are just two separate types of “meetings” with the child. When you meet with a student about behavior, first make sure you are calm. I have told students that I will talk with them later, but right now they need to _____ (sit here, change seats, etc.). When I am feeling much more calm and ready to problem-solve, THEN I meet with the student. I start with the Restorative Practices question of “what happened?” or I ask, “what is going on?”. After the student has a chance to tell me something, then I go into the I-messages part.
6 – Pray. If you are a person of faith, just pray. And then listen for what God might be telling you or showing you about the student.
7 – Ask for help — ask for help from anyone and everyone at your school who might be in a position to provide support. They may be able to provide helpful advice, assist in your classroom at especially difficult times, observe the child and help you identify different strategies to try. They might just provide a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear. Teachers (especially “vintage” teachers like me) often feel that they need to have all the answers or that they need to be completely independent, but the fact is that we are all interdependent and we are all better when we work together to create positive change.
8 – Take care of yourself — I write a lot about the importance of self-care and that is for a reason. Self-care helps you to be more effective and loving toward all the people in your life — family, friends, co-workers AND students. Important basics of self-care include: healthy eating, some kind of movement/exercise, meditation/prayer, deep breathing! What can you cut out of your schedule to give yourself some time alone to “recover”? If you have a commute of more than 10 minutes, that might be the perfect time to turn off any music or voices and just listen to your own thoughts. Teaching is always a demanding job, but never more so than when you have a particularly challenging student (or students). How can you create some time for yourself to do something that is just for you?
9 – Consistency is the name of the game. Try, as much as possible, to provide a consistent, predictable environment in your classroom. Post a schedule. Use a morning meeting time to go over the schedule for the day, giving students an idea of what to expect that day. Be consistent in how you reinforce expectations. While I don’t condone taking recess time away for any reason, many teachers use a weekly “choice time” where students get to have some free time while other students make up work. Another option is to have “working lunch” where students eat their lunch while also completing/making up work. If you say that incomplete homework needs to be completed during “choice time” or “working lunch”, enforce that every single time. I know it’s hard to be 100% consistent, but even being 90% consistent makes a difference for students. “Say what you mean and mean what you say.”
10 – Students who appear to just not care can drive you crazy. But here’s the thing — most of the time, they do care. They just put on a “show” that they don’t because they are really hiding something. Sometimes what they are hiding is their fear that they cannot do what you are asking them to do and they would rather appear defiant and uncaring than to be exposed as “stupid”. Sometimes they are confused or unsure, and don’t know how to ask for help. Sometimes they truly do not see the “use” in what you are teaching them at the moment. Sometimes they are actually worried or upset about something else, and your class just happens to be where they are showing it. Sometimes someone else in the class is affecting their belief in themselves and you don’t even know about that dynamic. Each of these hidden feelings require very different responses. But the best first responses are: 1 – don’t take it personally. Something is going on and it probably has nothing to do with you; 2 – do not engage in a power struggle with the student or even engage at all in a negative way; 3 – quietly tell them that you would like to talk with them later (after class, during lunch, whenever); 4 – explain that you can see that something is going on with them and you want to help; 5 – also quietly tell them that you will not and cannot “make” them do the work in your class, but that you need them to sit quietly, not disrupt others’ learning, and that you will check in with them as soon as you can. With those five steps, you have let the student know that you care about them and their life, set up a time to talk with them later, and stated your own boundaries.
11 – Now — what to do when you meet with them? Start with saying what you have noticed. Try not to say it in a negative or judging way — just calmly state what you see. Ask if they agree with what you describe, and ask if they have anything to add. Now ask some “could it be?” questions. Ask them if their behavior or responses in your class are due to the following factors: could it be that you are hungry? Tired? Angry? Upset about something? Frustrated? Confused? Has someone hurt them in some way? They may or may not open up to you in this conversation, but you have again shown that you care and that you want to work with the student to make the situation better for them. Then ask them what they need from you — do they need some time alone with you for tutoring? Do they need a private way to ask questions or to signal confusion? Do they need a change of seating? Whatever information you get from this conversation, act on it! Show them that you will do what you say you will do. This builds trust and respect.
12 – If the student does not respond and is not ready to talk, try reconnecting with them in a positive way before they leave your class. This will not necessarily get them to talk to you, but does communicate your caring and concern. Telling them that you hope their day gets better is simple, but powerful.
13 – Reach out to the parents, guardians, or other significant adults in the child’s life. Tell them you love (or that you at least care about) their child and that you need their help. They are the “experts” on the child, by virtue of their having known the child longer or having dealt with their behavior before. What strategies have they used that have been successful?
14 – If you are worried about what to say to the parent or adult in the child’s life, here is an (almost) foolproof way to speak with adults about their child’s poor behavior choices. Call or email them (whatever your school recommends), remind them that you are the child’s teacher and apologize that you are calling with some bad news about behavior. Tell them what their child did without sugarcoating it (do not say “they might have been tired/hungry/provoked by someone else” — whatever; just say what the child did). Then tell them that you know that their parent/guardian is such a good parent/guardian that this behavior would not be okay with them and you knew they would want to know right away. (What if they’re not a “good” parent/guardian, in your opinion? Substitute one of the following words that might work for this situation: caring, concerned, protective, loving, attentive, devoted, kind). Ask them for their help and support. Have they experienced anything like this before? What strategies have they tried that you could try at school? (note: beating the child is not something that you can try at school! I’m only half kidding — I actually had a parent suggest that to me once.) Thank them for their time/ideas/support, then list some things that you love about their child. Reinforce that you care about the child, that you want them to be successful, and that this behavior is going to get in the way of their being successful. Thank them again and end the conversation. You have now communicated quickly and clearly, reinforced your expectations, complimented the parent/guardian for their expectations (even if you have doubts about that), asked for their ideas, and reinforced your caring & concern about their child.
Above all else, remember this quote:
“They are not GIVING you a hard time. They are HAVING a hard time.”
~unknown
With all the outside stresses on families, we are on the “front lines” of dealing with students who are having difficulties. Take care of yourself and try these tips. Let me know how it goes and please let me know of any other strategies that work for you!