We’re all looking for ways to build relationships and community at back to school time. If you’re teaching upper elementary students, you may be wondering how to do that. Here are some of my best suggestions, from 30+ years of teaching upper elementary grades and from observing many master teachers.

By the way, if you’re new to upper elementary grades or just want to know what to expect, here are eight generalizations I have found helpful to know. (This is the third post in a series where I will discuss each of these eight topics in more depth, along with some tips for how to address upper elementary students’ needs. You can read the first post in the series HERE and the second post HERE.)

1 – They want to know the rules and expectations & they expect the teacher to be “the boss”.

2 – They thrive on routine with occasional changes to liven things up – they want you to be predictable, but engaging & fun.

3 – They want to be part of a supportive community. They don’t want to be embarrassed in front of their peers or to feel “stupid”. They worry about bullies.

4 – They want to be more independent & to be asked for their input. They still want to please their teachers (even though some may not show it).

5 – They still love to help and to feel useful.

6 – They want to know their teacher likes them & respects them

7 – They want to learn more about the world and about topics they care about. They do question things and want to know the “why.” They are starting to understand different viewpoints besides their own, which makes for some thoughtful classroom discussions. They still get excited about learning! That being said, they will be at very different achievement levels (similar to lower grades), but they are better at hiding their lack of understanding. The curriculum is more difficult, but they are capable of rising to the challenge. Most of them love to work together and find that to be more engaging.

8 – They still want their grownups/families to be proud of them.

In this post, we’ll focus on the third observation: Upper elementary students want to be part of a supportive community. They don’t want to be embarrassed in front of their peers or to feel “stupid”. They worry about bullies.

We all know the importance of building community and establishing relationships with students. From 30+ years of experience, I can tell you that relationships are key for preventing many behavior issues.

But, even more importantly, establishing relationships with our students (and building community within the classroom) makes teaching and learning a lot more fun for everyone.

Years from now, your students may not remember all of the specific content you taught them, but they will always remember how you treated them and how they felt when they were in your classroom.

Dr. Maya Angelou said it best:

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

1 – It’s important to start building those relationships from the very first day of school. From the moment they enter your classroom, students are wondering if they are safe here and if they belong here. Once they feel that those needs are met, the learning can begin.

How to do this?

~Get to know your students. Talk to them. Ask them questions. (Here’s a questionnaire you could use on the first day.) Another fun way to get to know students is with this activity.

~Let your students get to know you! Use a presentation to tell students more about yourself. I call mine “The Care and Feeding of Mrs. Smith”. Tell your students more about you, what you love, what you hate, what you expect from them. To keep this activity (or any activity) from becoming too long and boring, just share a few facts each day. We Are Teachers has a great editable slide template HERE.

~A fun idea to try: when taking attendance, have them respond with their favorite something (color, food, holiday, book, song, cereal, candy, etc.). I have done this for the first two weeks of school, then stopped it, then did it again later in the year.

~Tell them that they are your favorite class (or one of your favorite classes). Or tell them that they were specially chosen to be in your class (in some ways, that is probably true!). This helps build a family culture in your classroom.

~Try to attend students’ extracurricular events, even if you only stay for a few minutes. This shows them that you are interested in them as a person, not just as a student in your class.

~Give your most challenging student a job to do for you. They can deliver your clipboard to you if you leave it somewhere else, bring you your coffee mug or water bottle, grab a book for you, etc.

~Read picture books. Every day. Here is my list!

~Start out a little more on the strict and structured side with routines, procedures, and expectations. You can always loosen up later if they show you they are ready for that.

~Work very hard to not have “favorites.”

Here’s a tip to help make sure that you are looking out for every child: when you get in your car at the end of the day, name every child in your class. Don’t go down the roster, just name them as you think of them and keep a count so you’ll know when you’ve named everyone.

When you get to the last five names, jot them down. Those are the students you need to look out for and check in with the next day.

For whatever reason, they are not at the top of your mind. That is human and nothing to feel guilty about. But it helps you be mindful of those students that might be “slipping through the cracks” because they’re not clamoring for your attention in some way.

~Try using the “secret student strategy” once a week.

Here’s how to do it. Choose a random student at the beginning of the day and write their name down (on a post-it note, on your lesson plans, whatever works for you). Keep the name a secret from your students.

Tell your students that you will be watching that particular student especially closely that day to see if they are following procedures and expectations. (You could also choose a target behavior if your class is working on something such as “not talking in the halls,” “not blurting out during the lesson,” etc.)

If the student met the expectation, I announce their name at the end of the day, along with whatever “reward” the class will earn (usually minutes of free time, extra recess minutes, etc.).

If the student did not meet the expectation, I don’t announce their name but I do say something like, “Our secret student did not meet the expectations today, but we’ll get another chance next week.”

(Note: some students don’t want their name shared, even if they did meet the expectation. I do check with everyone individually to be sure I don’t cause anyone undue stress or anxiety about this strategy.)

~Have daily morning meetings (often called class meetings or restorative practices cicles). Here’s how I get that started in my classroom.

~Consider using dialogue journals with your students. Here’s how to do it.

~Set a goal to have a 30-60 second genuine connection with each student at least once a week. When you talk with them, focus on thanking them for something you appreciate about them, or commend them for some effort or responsible behavior that you’ve noticed.

~Another option is to write emails to three different students daily (or leave sticky notes on the desks of three students). This, too, can be a simple “thank you for . . . “ or “I appreciate how you . . .”

~Try to change your class seats once a month. This gives everyone a chance to sit with almost everyone else in the class. (Yes, I know that some people should never sit together and it’s fine to make those exceptions!) My students were always eager to find out where their next seat would be, so I used that opportunity to have them clean out their binders, supply bins, cubbies, etc. beforehand. Once they passed my “inspection,” we would change seats.

~Find a reason to laugh with your students every day. So many funny moments will happen and as long as no one is being laughed at, it makes for good feelings and good memories with your class. A sense of humor is a great motivator and relieves whatever stress/tension is happening in the moment.

~And speaking of a sense of humor – never use the words “balls” or “nuts.” It’s not a good idea. Ask me how I know.

~Get your students to help write your weekly or monthly newsletters to parents! There will always be information that you have to share (upcoming dates, units of study, etc.), but students can report on things that they have been learning, what they enjoyed about a class activity or field trip, etc. Include their names in the newsletter. Families love this too (and they might actually read your newsletter!).

~To keep your class focused on the positive, try to start and end each day with “What’s one good thing?”. Ask that question and let a few students share. It keeps everyone focused on the good instead of complaining.

~Try doing this for yourself as well! Jot down three good things you did daily. You deserve credit for all the good you are doing that often goes unnoticed, even by yourself.

~Give your students (and yourself) one minute of silence and time to do some deep breathing at strategic points during the day. My favorite time to do this is after any transition.

~Build an anti-bullying culture and a kindness culture in your classroom from day one. You can do this with read-alouds, having class discussions about kindness and how it makes a difference, letting students share compliments for one another during morning meetings. We Are Teachers has some free kindness posters you can print and display in your classroom HERE.

2 – Pay attention to how your communicate with your students.

How to do this?

~Ask them to explain more about their thinking. This shows them that you are genuinely interested in what they have to share. (And it often gives you great insight into how they got to the answer or the observation they are sharing.)

~If/when students give a wrong or partially incorrect answer, affirm what is correct in their thinking or reasoning and help them re-visit the parts that are not correct.

~When something seems “off” with a student, have a private conversation with them. Start by just saying something like, “Is everything okay? I’ve noticed . . . .” and let them talk (or not). Another question to ask is, “Tell me what’s going on.” If they don’t want to talk right now, they still get the message that you care and that you are here for them.

~When it comes to problem solving (decoding words, solving math problems, doing science experiments), ask questions like “what can you try?” and “what can you figure out?” before making suggestions.

~If you want them to lower their voices, try lowering yours first. For some reason, this works! Something else to try: write directions on the board or under the document camera. That gets their attention and focuses them on what you are doing.

~Be “real” about your own struggles and mistakes. This shows you are human & it models that adults learn from mistakes too.

~Apologize publicly when needed. This earns their respect.

~Remind your students that every day is a new beginning/fresh start, even if yesterday was not a great day.

~Tell your students to be proud of themselves (instead of always saying “I’m proud of you”). This focuses their attention on assessing themselves instead of looking for teacher recognition.

~When they share something with you, always say, “thank you for telling me.” Sometimes they just want to be heard.

~Find something good and unique about each student & reinforce that. (Share that information in those emails or post-it notes or 30-60 second meetings.)

~As much as possible, talk to them as if they are young adults. I know they are children and we need to respect that, but they appreciate being talked to in a way that values their input.

~Keep a post-it note nearby that says “default to compassion.” It’s always a good reminder.

3 – Despite all of your stellar relationship and community-building, you will still need to discipline or reprimand.

Here are some tips:

~”First, do no harm.” This rule for medical professionals is a good reminder for teachers and parents too. Stop and think before you say anything to the student.

~Try very hard to discipline out of a kind and loving heart (that “default to compassion” again.) If you don’t feel like you can do that right now, then wait until you can. Tell them that you are very upset, you need time to think about this, and you will talk to them about it later. (This often makes them more nervous than if you immediately pounce on them.)

~I have mentioned this book before, but it bears repeating. Teaching Children to Care by Ruth Sidney Charney is an incredibly helpful resource for building community and for implementing consequences when needed.

~Say what you mean and mean what you say. When you are consistent in this way, students learn that you can be trusted. That is huge.

~Remember that they are just children! You are the adult. (They might be taller than you, but they still need you to be the grownup.)

~Take a deep breath & count to five before speaking/reacting.

~Remind yourself that every student is someone else’s child. Think about how you would want someone else to respond if this were your child.

~No matter how disagreeable any student might be, find something to love.

~Don’t take behavior personally. It might annoy you, it might anger you, but it is not about you. Think about what you can teach them by your reaction and your response.

~Keep in mind: students remember kindness, not curriculum. They may not remember your awesome lesson on dividing decimals, but they will always remember the way you spoke to them and treated them as an individual.

~Pencils (or the lack thereof) can drive you crazy and become a discipline issue. Here’s my best advice: just give them a pencil. Don’t let pencils become such a stressor for you.

There are lots of options to deal with this. Buy golf pencils and add cap erasers. (They don’t like these as much as a “real” pencil, so they tend to take better care of the real ones.) Write their names on their pencils with a Sharpie. Some teachers give out five to ten pencils at the start of a quarter and offer a reward if students reach the end of the quarter and they still have a pencil! You can buy inexpensive pencils in bulk. If you have supply funds to spend, a pencil dispenser is a fun item to add to your classroom.

~Give kids the benefit of the doubt. Assume positive intent. Even if they are lying about a situation, it shows they are motivated to not disappoint you or to not get in trouble. Acknowledge that and praise it, then move on to the behavior.

~Remember – you are not their friend! You are their teacher.

4 – Don’t be afraid to reset at any time.

How to do this:

My favorite way to introduce a reset is to make an observation about what is not going well. “I’ve noticed . . .” is a good way to start. Ask them what they’ve noticed (usually, it’s the same thing). Get their ideas for what to do differently. Then say, “from now . . .” and institute whatever change needs to be made.

Resetting is such a big topic for upper elementary teachers that I have written several blog posts about it! Hopefully at least once of these will be helpful for your specific situation.

How to Do a Midyear Reset in the Classroom

January Reset for Teachers – 10 Tips for Classroom Environment

January Reset for Teachers – 12 Tips for Resetting Classroom Expectations

8 Tips to Reset Your Classroom Environment

For my upper elementary veteran readers, what would you add to this list?

I hope this helps you think about how you can communicate with your students, enjoy them, and still earn their respect. Remember to subscribe so you don’t miss my next posts about upper elementary students!