First, my usual disclaimer: I am not a parenting expert. But I have raised two children who are now successful, independent adults and who still love to spend time with their parents, so we must have done something right! But I am also an elementary school teacher with 28 years of experience. So I have seen a LOT in terms of parenting (many good things, some really stupid things). In previous posts, I shared tips for setting rules and consequences, and my tips for technology and extracurricular activities. In this post, I’ll share tips for developing good homework habits and answer some frequently asked questions.

Homework — ugh. Everyone hates it, even teachers. In this post, I will offer some tips for homework in elementary school, since I teach fifth grade.

There is a lot of research out there saying that homework has limited value in elementary school. I agree with that, except that I do think it’s important to establish good homework “routines” for kids during elementary school. Research says that 30 minutes for K-3 students and 45 minutes for students in 4th or 5th grade are good guidelines.

In my opinion, students need to leave elementary school as strong readers and with good math problem-solving skills. All homework in elementary school needs to lead to those goals. Therefore, the majority of homework time should be devoted to reading practice (actually reading, not doing activities “about” reading) and doing some math skills practice.

Links to homework research:
*This article talks about the right amount of homework for different ages.
*This article explains the research about the value of homework.
*This article goes more in-depth into the homework debate.

4 TIPS FOR ESTABLISHING GOOD HOMEWORK HABITS:
1 – Set up a time for homework that you stick to every day. It might be right after school (before being allowed to play), or it might be later in the afternoon or early evening, depending on your family schedule and your child’s needs.

2 – Set up a place for homework to be done, understanding that many kids like to be near other people when they are working on homework. During homework time, other distractions should be avoided (TV should be off, for instance, and younger siblings should be occupied in quiet play).

3 – Think about what you do before you sit down to get work done. You might get a drink of some kind, maybe a snack, and you make yourself comfortable. Teach your child to do the same things so that homework time is as pleasant as possible.

4 – Help your child to understand that going to school and doing their homework is their “job”, just like you have a job or chores to do at work or at home. Sometimes we enjoy parts of our job/chores and sometimes we don’t. But it’s important to get it done anyway.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

What should my child do during homework time?
Your child should complete whatever was assigned at school first. If that takes up the 30-45 minute block of time, then they’re done. If not, consider filling the rest of the time with math facts practice (I’m a fan of Reflex Math) and reading. Reading aloud to your child during this time is fine! (Some parents think that is “cheating” because the child is not doing the reading. However, they are hearing how fluent reading sounds and they are developing vocabulary and developing listening comprehension skills, which are also important. Try to read aloud books that your child might not yet be able to read on their own.)

What if I want my child to do more practice?
Some parents want teachers to assign more homework because they want “busy-work” to keep their child occupied. If you want more worksheet type stuff for your child to do independently, I suggest buying workbooks such as Summer Bridge Activities, Brain Quest, Kids’ Summer Activities, or any workbook you can find at Target, Barnes & Noble or Walmart. (I am also a big fan of the “Everything You Need. . .” books to use as resource help.)

Who should be doing the homework?
The answer is: your child should be doing it independently, although asking questions for clarification are fine. That’s why it’s often good for you to be nearby, but not hovering. If your child seems to daydream or just waste the time, break the homework down into smaller steps (i.e., do two problems, read one page, answer one question) and make it more do-able. (Some kids can do the work, they just get overwhelmed by the seemingly huge amount.) If they are just wasting time until their 30-45 minutes are over, tell them you will stop the timer for every time they are “off task”. This will make the homework time longer. Help them to see that it is in their best interest to go ahead and get it done!

Should I sit with my child during homework time?
I think it’s fine to do that as long as you are occupied with doing some kind of “homework” of your own. Maybe you’re studying for something yourself or maybe you’re paying bills. Whatever you’re doing, point out that this is your homework, that is their homework and you’re both getting your homework done.

Should I check my child’s homework?
Yes, when they are younger and first developing homework habits. You want to ensure that they are putting the necessary effort into their work. Plus, when they are younger, it doesn’t take much of your time to check it.

Checking your child’s homework gets more complicated as your child gets older. For one thing, the homework itself is more complicated and will take more of your time. For another thing, some children see this as a sign that you don’t trust them, you don’t think they know how to do it, etc. So I suggest spot checking homework. Just check occasionally, or if you check daily, check only one subject. Tell your child that you are interested in what they are learning, not that you are trying to check up on them.

Of course, if your child asks you to check over their homework for some reason, do that!

Should I require my child to redo homework that is incorrect?
Ask your child’s teacher what they would prefer. Some teachers want to see what the child missed so they know how to help. Some teachers don’t mind.

Be prepared for huffing and puffing if you ask your child to redo homework. Don’t overreact – this doesn’t mean that your child is lazy and will end up homeless and jobless some day. It’s human nature: no one wants to go back and redo something they didn’t want to do in the first place! Just explain that careful work and accuracy matter and you want them to learn to do that. You might also explain that everyone asks others for feedback (on their writing, to double-check their math on the restaurant bill tip, etc.), and that mistakes are part of learning.

If you do ask your child to redo, tell them to go back and check (their work on problem #7, their response to question #3, the second paragraph of their writing, whatever) but don’t tell them exactly what is wrong. They will know that something is wrong, but it is still up to them to figure that out.

But what if my child is seriously having difficulty with doing the homework?
As in, it appears to be too difficult for them to complete independently. No one likes to see their child in distress or having trouble with something. This is often when parents swoop in and help the child too much, which can cause the child to develop learned helplessness.

Here’s what to do instead. First, let your child take a break from the homework and do something else that will help calm them down. When they are calm, have a conversation about what is making this difficult. If/when they admit that they don’t know how to do it, tell them that you are going to contact their teacher and see about getting some help with the homework.

One of two things will happen here:

1 – the child will protest contacting the teacher. If this happens, it may mean that your child is “playing” you somewhat. If they see that they get attention and they get out of doing homework if they play the “it’s too hard” card, it’s quite rewarding for them. If this happens, you may need to set up rewards/consequences for getting homework done (or not) and stick to that.

2 – the child will agree that the teacher needs to know that the homework is too hard.

Homework that is too hard could happen for a few reasons. Unfortunately, sometimes homework has been used as a way for kids to learn at home. In my opinion, that is a bad idea. Homework should be used for the practice of skills that students have already been taught and have practiced a good bit at school. That does not necessarily mean that the student is completely “fluent” in the skill yet, though, so sometimes parents may need to provide a brief explanation or demonstration of how to do something.

Another idea is to check youtube for videos with teachers explaining such skills as long division. I hear many parents say that they are concerned about explaining something differently from how the teacher might have taught it, thus confusing their child. Videos can help with this. Simply search “common core” or whatever math program your school is using and see what you find.

I always tell parents to not let homework become a battle. Simply email or text me or jot a note on the homework that the child needs another explanation of the skill. If your child is in fourth grade or above, work on teaching them to self-advocate and to ask the teacher for help themselves. (Yes, I know they don’t know how to do that yet. That’s why you need to teach them how to do it. Role play a conversation between the teacher and the child and teach your child what they need to say to ask for help.)

What if I suspect my child is having difficulty with reading?
Get on top of this one right away. As I mentioned earlier, all students need to leave fifth grade as proficient readers. Your child’s teacher should be doing regular reading skills assessments and regular small group reading sessions. If you are concerned, speak with the teacher first to find out what they are seeing in the classroom. If you would like to see more tips for how to help your child with reading, comment below or send me an email.

LAST TIPS:
*Value effort over avoiding failure. Keep the focus on “what did you learn?”, not “what grade did you get?”

*Keep reinforcing that mistakes are opportunities to learn. Help reinforce the concept of growth mindset, which many schools are using as a focus. Tell them that making mistakes and struggling with a task are actually making their brain grow (not bigger, but stronger).

Here are some helpful videos for kids about brain growth:
You Can Learn Anything
Growth Mindset
Famous Failures
Failures are the Pillars of Success

*Remember the goal in all parenting:

“It is not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves, that will make them successful human beings.” ~Ann Landers

Here are some books about parenting that have helped me through the years. Even if you don’t agree with everything in these books, you will find some wisdom to guide you.
And Then I Had Kids: Encouragement for Mothers of Young Children by Susan Alexander Yates
And Then I Had Teenagers: Encouragement for Parents of Teens & Preteens by Susan Alexander Yates
The New Dare to Discipline by James Dobson
The New Strong-Willed Child by James Dobson
The New Six Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children by John Rosemond
John Rosemond’s Fail-Safe Formula for Helping Your Child Succeed in School by John Rosemond
The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed by Jessica Lahey
How Children Succeed by Paul Tough
The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter & How to Make the Most of Them Now

A new book I just got from Amazon and can’t wait to read: How to Raise Successful People: Simple Lessons for Radical Results by Esther Wojcicki.

Here are some helpful resources on homework, specifically:
The Parent Backpack for Kindergarten Through Grade 5: How to Support Your Child’s Education, End Homework Meltdowns, and Build Parent-Teacher Connections by ML Nichols
How to Help Your Child with Homework: The Complete Guide to Encouraging Good Study Habits and Ending the Homework Wars by Jeanne Shay Schumm
Getting Past Procrastination: How to Get Your Kids Organized, Focused, and Motivated…Without Being the Bad Guy by Ann K. Dolin
Smart but Scattered: The Revolutionary “Executive Skills” Approach to Helping Kids Reach Their Potential by Peg Dawson & Richard Guare

I would love to hear your feedback! Comment below or email me at stillteachingstillearning@gmail.com!

First, a disclaimer: I am not a parenting expert. But I have raised two children who are now successful, independent adults and who still love to spend time with their parents, so we must have done something right! But I am also an elementary school teacher with 28 years of experience. So I have seen a LOT in terms of parenting (many good things, some really stupid things). In my last post, I shared tips on setting rules and consequences. In this post, I’ll share thoughts on technology and extracurricular activities. My next post will focus on homework tips.

7 TECHNOLOGY TIPS:
1 – Here’s what I know: you have to be vigilant. Our kids are growing up much more tech-savvy than we will ever be. You have to stay on top of what the latest social media trends are as well as what the media says about technology dangers. This article from the New York Times gives a lot of good information regarding guidelines for every age and when & how to limit your child’s technology use.

2 – Check in with other parents who share your values and get on the same page with what you all agree is appropriate (when to get a cell phone, how much screen time they are allowed daily, appropriate video games to allow, etc.).

3 – Since technology is ever-changing, you are going to need to change your responses. For example: when my kids set up Facebook accounts, they had to “friend” me. I then checked their Facebook page about once a month and made a comment to them (NOT on Facebook — in person!) about something I saw on their page. It wasn’t necessarily a negative comment, just a comment about something I saw or someone I noticed was a “friend” of theirs. This gave my kids the impression that I was constantly monitoring their Facebook page, even though I wasn’t. I say all of that, knowing that Facebook is not even a “thing” with kids anymore! So change your monitoring and your rules to fit the technology of your kids’ world. Also – see my tip in my first post about privacy. My basic rule is: “there is no such thing as privacy until you are paying your own bills.” If you bought the phone or device (or if you are paying the monthly bills for it), it belongs to you. Therefore, you have the right to check it any time you want. I highly recommend monitoring your child’s texts and online searches regularly. I had a student this past school year who was frequenting porn sites while his mom thought he was doing his homework. It happens.

4 – Be a good model of technology use yourself. Put phones and iPads away when you’re at the dinner table, either at home or when you are out to eat. There is nothing sadder to me than to see a family out to dinner and everyone is on their phone or a tablet. My aunt has a rule that everyone puts their phone in a basket when they come to her house for dinner. Just put it away and you won’t be distracted or tempted to check it every two minutes.

5 – Social media – This is becoming a big deal at younger ages. Talk to your child about the benefits of social media. These include: maintaining friendships, sharing interests, developing relationships with family, connection to online global communities, collaborative learning and creativity. (Hopefully, your child is learning about how to use social media in these ways at school. If they are not, suggest that your school teach appropriate use.) However, there are also risks, which include: being exposed to inappropriate content, uploading inappropriate content (“sexting” for instance), sharing personal information with strangers, FOMO (fear of missing out). This article talks about ways to teach your child good social media habits. It’s important to stress to your kids that social media is often someone else’s highlight reel and that what is posted is not what their life looks like all the time. Talk about how you unfollow content that you notice is having a negative effect on your own self-esteem or that is causing stress or anxiety.

6 – Cyberbullying – This is becoming more prevalent. While many schools do a great deal to teach students about the topic, you will need to reinforce this at home. You need to know the warning signs and what to do if you suspect your child is bullying others or is being bullied themselves. This article gives more information about this important topic.

7 – And now for a tip that might not seem to fall under the topic of technology: Talk to your child in age-appropriate ways about their body (especially about body safety), about puberty body changes, and about sex. Some helpful resources include this article about body safety, this article about puberty changes, and this article about talking to your child about sex. Why? They are going to be curious and they will try to find out information in some way (often from friends or from the Internet). If you want them to hear such information from you, then be ready to answer questions and be ready to raise the issues when you feel the time is right. You want your child to get accurate information and to hear your own family values with regard to sex. So be proactive and address the issue yourself.

8 EXTRACURRICULAR & SOCIAL ACTIVITIES TIPS

1 – When kids say that they want to try different activities, parents often want to support their interest and sign them up for that sport or musical instrument training or club. But be careful. Kids often change their minds, lose their motivation for doing something and want to switch to something else. Then parents get upset because of all the money spent, time invested, etc. So talk to your child about what they say they want to do. Why do they want to do that activity? (Sometimes it’s just because their best friend does the activity, not because they have any interest in the activity itself.) Talk to them about the level of commitment required. (For example: soccer might involve one or two training practices per week and games on weekends. That might take time away from other things your child enjoys doing.) Also think honestly about the time commitment and financial commitment for your family. Is there something else they could try first that might not require so much investment? Don’t get me wrong — I think that all of the extracurricular options available for kids today are great. They give kids outlets for other interests and talents. But YOU are still in charge. Don’t sign your child up for something that they don’t have a real commitment to learning how to do OR for something that is going to cause undue stress on your family, just because they want to try something out.

2 – Overscheduling – This sometimes follows naturally from signing up for extracurricular activities. This scenario has happened more times than I can count:

Me – “Johnny, where is your homework?”
Johnny – “Oh, I didn’t have time to do it.”
Me – “What do you mean, you didn’t have time?”
Johnny – “Well, I had karate on Monday, then Cub Scouts on Tuesday, then chess club on Wednesday, then I had soccer try-outs on Thursday. When I get home, I have to eat dinner and take a shower and then it’s time for bed.”
Me –

I certainly do not want to discourage extracurricular activities OR eating dinner, taking a shower and getting to bed on time. But that schedule is just not appropriate for a child. I once heard someone say that kids should be limited to two outside activities per semester. Outside activities might also include church activities (such as youth group or choir) if that is a priority for your family. Two activities per semester seem like a pretty good rule to me. If you try to stick to that, it helps your child prioritize what they REALLY want to do, instead of just jumping into whatever activity du jour that their friends are doing.

3 – Try very hard to have family meals. According to The Family Dinner Project, benefits include:
~Better academic performance
~Higher self-esteem
~Greater sense of resilience
~Lower risk of substance abuse
~Lower risk of teen pregnancy
~Lower risk of depression
~Lower likelihood of developing eating disorders
~Lower rates of obesity

4 – Try to maintain a balance of family time, school time, church time, extracurricular activities, and unstructured time to just hang out at home and play or daydream. Don’t let extracurricular activities take over the balance.

5 – If attending church is a value in your family, do not give your child a choice about whether or not to attend. They don’t have a choice about whether or not to attend school, do they? They are too young to make choices like that. When they leave home, they can make their own choices about whether they want to attend church.

6 – When it comes to social activities, you will hear this: “Everyone else is doing/going/whatever-ing”. Don’t fall for this one. First of all, does that even make sense? Everyone else is NOT doing it. Next, your child will not be a hermit or a social outcast if they don’t go. You can always use the ever-popular saying, “If everyone else was jumping off a bridge, would you do it?” That usually shuts them up, but it’s better to follow that up with “here is why I don’t want you to . . . “ and explain your position. They may whine and argue, but stick to your guns.

Another option here is to talk with other parents who share your values. Are they allowing their child to go? Why or why not? Knowledge is power and there is strength in numbers. When you band together with other parents who share your values, that gives you power when explaining your position to your child. Once you have made a decision about the activity, stand your ground. Unless some mitigating circumstance changes (parents are going along, for instance), do not back down. If you back down, that will teach your teen or preteen that they can “bully” you into changing your mind and you will be in for a battle every single time.

This might also be a good time to remind your child that you love them unconditionally. They will not care to hear it at this particular time. But it’s a good time to reiterate that your love includes keeping them safe and doing what you think is in their best interest. I used to tell my kids that I have this funny/peculiar need to keep them alive and well and this is my decision. (For the record, they did not think I was as funny as I thought I was!) But injecting some humor into the situation can lighten up the mood.

7 – Do not automatically believe your child when they say that the other kid’s parents will be home or supervising at a social event. Call and confirm that information yourself. Your child will claim that you are humiliating them and causing them irreparable social harm. Call and confirm anyway. Here is what you can say: “I love you and I want you to be safe. Believe it or not, I was a teenager once and I know how these situations can get out of hand. It’s my job to help protect you from bad situations so I am going to confirm that ____’s parents will be present and will be supervising. If they’re not, you’re not going. End of discussion.”

8 – Do not automatically believe parents who say that they will be supervising. That word can be used very loosely by different parents. For some parents, that means that they can go to bed and leave kids on their own, thinking that as long as they are in the house, then the kids are safe. Some parents actually allow alcohol to be served in their home, rationalizing that “kids are going to drink anyway – I’d rather they drink in my house rather than out somewhere”. Stick to your guns on what YOU believe is right for YOUR child. If you do not share that attitude, then do not allow your child to go. Here is an article that gives more info on the exact alcohol laws for every state. And here is an article with more info on the dangers of underage drinking.

LAST TIPS
*Prioritize yourself and your marriage. Your kids need you to be the best parent you can be. That means taking care of yourself so that you can be your best. See my posts about self-care on this site and make it a priority. As for your marriage — keep that as a higher priority as well. Many parents tend to think that kids should be a higher priority. But the research is clear that a strong marriage is the best environment for kids. I once heard someone say that your marriage is the sun and your children are the orbiting planets. That seems like a good analogy to me. Children thrive when the adults around them are healthy and happy.

*And finally — the most important tip of all. Tell your child that you love them unconditionally, at least one time every day. Kids really cannot hear those words enough. Notes are great, texts are fun, but nothing beats the sound of a parent’s voice reminding their child that they are loved, no matter what.

Here are some books that have helped me through the years. Even if you don’t agree with everything in these books, you will find some wisdom to guide you.
And Then I Had Kids: Encouragement for Mothers of Young Children by Susan Alexander Yates
And Then I Had Teenagers: Encouragement for Parents of Teens & Preteens by Susan Alexander Yates
The New Dare to Discipline by James Dobson
The New Strong-Willed Child by James Dobson
The New Six Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children by John Rosemond
John Rosemond’s Fail-Safe Formula for Helping Your Child Succeed in School by John Rosemond
The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed by Jessica Lahey
How Children Succeed by Paul Tough
The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter & How to Make the Most of Them Now

A new book I just got from Amazon and can’t wait to read: How to Raise Successful People: Simple Lessons for Radical Results by Esther Wojcicki.

I would love to hear your comments! Watch for my next post about homework!

This is the first of a three-part post series on common sense parenting tips.

First, a disclaimer: I am not a parenting expert. But I have raised two children who are now successful, independent adults and who still love to spend time with their parents, so we must have done something right! I am also an elementary school teacher with 28 years of experience. So I have seen a LOT in terms of parenting (many good things, some really stupid things). I’ll share some general rules and consequences tips in this post. My next posts will focus on technology, extracurricular activities, and homework tips.

Here are 25 common sense parenting tips:

1 – YOU are the adult. Your children are children and they need you to be the grown-up. You do not need to ask their permission when you give them a direction to do something or tell them about a decision you’ve made. You don’t need to add the word “okay?” to the end of your directions, as that implies that you are asking their permission for the directive you just gave. You can ask something like, “Do you understand?” or “Do you have any questions?”.

What you are telling them to do may not be up for discussion. Explain that you are the parent, that you love your child no matter what, and that it is your job to help them learn what they need to do to be _____ (fill in the blank: a good person, honest, hard-working, a good student, whatever). Then tell them what the limit/rule/consequence is and enforce it. The end. No need for lengthy explanations of why (they will tune you out anyway) or asking if that’s okay with them (it won’t be — they are a child and they want what they want when they want it).

2 – You are not your child’s friend. You are their parent. They are two separate roles. Every adult that considers their parent to be a “best friend” will tell you that when they were growing up, their parent was a parent to them, not their buddy. Don’t worry about your child expressing indignation when you set limits. It will pass and they will get over it.

3 – Be a “warm demander”. Warmth and showing love are important, but discipline is just as important. The word “discipline” actually comes from the Latin word “disciplina” which means “instructing” or “teaching”. Children feel more secure and loved when their parents set limits for them and actually enforce those limits. Plus, your kids will learn self-control and how to tolerate frustration. Being a warm demander means having high expectations for your child, but also being willing to teach them how to meet those expectations.

4 – There is no such thing as privacy until they are paying their own bills. You do have the right to monitor their use of technology in whatever way you want to do that. Keep in mind that your kids are probably much savvier with technology than you are. If you suspect online activity that goes against your family’s values, look into ways to track their online activities and set limits (such as no phones after a certain time of night, no online games after a certain time, limits on social media, etc.).

5 – There is a verse in the Old Testament book of Proverbs that is a good precept to follow. The verse is Proverbs 22:6:

“Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.”

This verse is a good precept since it addresses everything! Think about what you want your children to be like when they’re adults. Do you want them to have good manners? Start training them now. Do you want faith to be an important part of their lives? Start training them and talking to them about your own faith now. Do you want them to be responsible and hard-working? Start training them now. It doesn’t just suddenly happen when they turn 18.

6 – Talk about your values and what is important to you as a family. As your kids get older, it’s okay to admit your failings and all the ways you work toward a goal but fall short sometimes. Your kids will see that anyway so you might as well be honest about it and model the trait of messing up but working to fix it and to improve.

7 – Make your kids do chores! I am amazed at how many parents feel guilty for asking their child to do chores at home. Doing chores helps a child to feel a sense of purpose within the family — their help is needed to keep the home and family running smoothly.

Here’s an article with a list of age-appropriate chores for children.

8 – Listen. Being in the car is the best place for this. I don’t know if it’s because you aren’t looking directly at them that gives them the freedom to talk. But whatever the reason — take advantage of the time and just listen.

9 – When your child wants to talk about something, let them talk. Even if it’s not the most convenient time for you.

10 – Speaking of listening, try not to jump in and give advice until the moment is right. Just let them talk. It’s okay to ask, “Do you want my help with this?” or “Do you want some suggestions for . . .?”, but try to let them talk through it and tell you what is happening.

11 – Listen for the feeling behind the words. While your daughter might be complaining about a friend’s treatment of her or how a teacher handled a situation, listen for what might really be bothering her. Is she worried about not having any friends? Is she worried about the teacher being unfair to her in some way? Sometimes the actual worry is hidden behind the stories she is telling you.

12 – Listening is important. Hearing what your child has to say is important. But watch your response. Kids take their cues from how you react to things and your reactions could either make the situation worse OR cause your child to shut down and not talk to you.

Here are some common mistakes I have seen (and some I have made myself and corrected).

~over-sympathizing. If you jump right in with “oh how awful, you poor baby, come to mama, let’s have some cookies and milk”, your child will get the idea that this truly is a life and death situation and they should be afraid. That does not mean that you shouldn’t sympathize with the difficulty they are facing. It just means that you listen but don’t overdo it in terms of sympathy. Try to get your child into problem-solving mode.

Here’s an example of what to say instead:

“I hate that this happened between you and your friend. I know it really hurts. That happened to me once too. But let’s think about what we can do to fix it” (or to deal with it if you don’t deem it fix-able).

You have just expressed sympathy and care, you have let your child know that you are on their side, but you shift to helping them take ownership of the problem and how to work it out.

~automatically believing every word they say. I know this may be hard to hear, but the best kids out there will still lie, evade the truth, or slant the truth in favor of their position. That does not mean that they are evil people. It actually is a positive in that it shows they are highly motivated to not get in trouble!

So here’s what to do. When they tell you some story about how they have been wronged, ask them questions about how the whole situation came about. I don’t mean that you jump to blaming them for what happened — just try to get them to recreate the event as it actually was, not how they wished it was!

When you finally get a more balanced story, thank them for telling you the truth. Then walk through the situation with them, talking about how the events could have been prevented or how the situation could have been improved. Just like in the first scenario — be on their side, but shift to helping them be a problem-solver, not a whiner/complainer/”woe is me” kind of kid. If you need more perspective on something that happened at school, contact the teacher.

~they get bad news of some type (they are in “that” teacher’s class, their best friend is moving away, they didn’t make the team). Sympathize, yes, then look for the positives. Shift into that problem-solving mode again.

Don’t act as if it is the worst possible thing that could ever happen. As I mentioned before, that makes them feel even worse about the situation. You are not helping them when you do that. You are handicapping them when you make them dependent on you to make them feel better but not actually equipping them to handle problems in the real world.

~on the flip side — automatically blaming them or criticizing them for whatever problem they share with you. That will shut down communication altogether. Just be quiet and listen. Keep your mouth shut. When you shift into that problem-solving mode, THEN you can ask if there are some things that they could do to make this situation better (or not occur at all). You might even suggest some of your thoughts at this point. But try to do that in a way that makes you their ally rather than their critic.

~jumping to conclusions about what they share with you. Like the example of lying, do not assume that just because your child lied to you it means that they are a hardened criminal. Reminder: they are motivated to stay on your good side and not get in trouble –that is a positive thing.

So if they share something with you that shows them in a negative light, do not panic. Remind them (and yourself) that we all make mistakes and we all need grace. The important thing is to admit to the mistake, to fix it as best we can, and to move on and try to learn from that experience.

Your grace and forgiveness (and shifting into that problem-solving mode) will do more to assure them of your constant love and your willingness to help them than any criticizing could ever do. I’m not saying to never criticize — but there is a time and a place for that, and when they are confessing something to you — that is neither the time nor the place.

13 – Say what you mean and mean what you say. Do not make threats you cannot or do not want to keep. Doing this actually builds your child’s trust in you. When they know they can count on you to set limits, they also know they can depend on you for everything else in their life.

14 – Speaking of threats of consequences, start small. A minute of time-out can be very effective when the child wants to play. No need to start with ten minutes when one minute will do.

15 – Make sure the punishment fits the crime. If they say something rude or hurtful, they should apologize and then say something kind. If they talk back to you, they should apologize and re-phrase what they want to say. If they violate technology privileges, they need to lose some time. If they don’t complete a chore, they need to lose some free time.

16 – If there is some behavior you want to change, you are going to have to threaten your child’s “standard of living”. By this I mean that you will need to take something away that they value. But the punishment needs to fit the crime.

If they abuse cell phone privileges, they lose the phone for a certain amount of time. If they are throwing toys, they are removed from the play area and have to sit in time-out. If they are saying mean things or getting aggressive, they are removed from the group and sit in time-out until they are calm and can apologize. No screen time or play time until homework or chores are complete.

17 – Warnings & consequences – I think it’s fine to give a warning before imposing a consequence. Notice I said A warning – meaning one. Do not threaten over and over or do the dreaded “I’m going to count to three” and then not follow through. Your child will only learn that you don’t really mean it and they can continue with whatever behavior they are doing.

18 – Tell them that you love them, every single day. Bonus points for telling them more than once a day! You can never say it enough. Don’t just assume your child knows you love them. You need to say the words.

19 – Remind them that your “job” as a parent is to love them no matter what but to also teach them to be a good person. And that’s why you set limits for them and try to help them understand how they need to behave or do important tasks (like school work, chores, etc.). Limit TV and too much screen time early on. It’s far easier to allow them more time later than it is to try to take away something that has been their habit since toddler age.

20 -Teach your kids to respect everyone, regardless of gender, race, ethnicity, religion, etc. It is fine to acknowledge differences, but it is important to respect all people and know that we are more alike than unalike. This LINK gives some great tips for teaching your child racial consciousness while promoting racial justice.

21 – Teach, and expect them to use, basic good manners. Saying “please”, “thank you” and “excuse me” will always earn respect from others and will help them make the best impression.

22 – If you are the parent of a preschool-aged child, teach your child to be socially acceptable to both adults and other children BEFORE they start kindergarten. If you don’t, someone else will let them know that they are annoying or rude or whatever, and it will probably be done in a much less loving way than how you would teach them.

Studies show that kids with good social skills (cooperating with peers without prompting, helpfulness, empathy with others’ feelings, and ability to resolve problems on their own) are far more likely to earn a college degree and have a full-time job by age 25 than those with more limited skills.

23 – Some behaviors to squelch in a young child: having to be first all the time, not following rules (if they don’t follow rules, they don’t play – period.), burping/belching, rude comments (explain to them about how it can hurt feelings), doing annoying things and not stopping when told to stop.

24 – Both parents need to be on the same page! If you have differences in how you want to handle something, discuss it away from the child’s hearing. When you’re with your kids, both parents need to enforce the same rules and consequences.

25 – I know I’ve said this before, but I will say it again. Tell your child that you love them unconditionally, at least one time every day. Kids really cannot hear those words enough. Notes are great, texts are fun, but nothing beats the sound of a parent’s voice reminding their child that they are loved, no matter what.

LAST TIP:
*And finally — the most important tip of all. Prioritize yourself and your marriage. Your kids need you to be the best parent you can be. That means taking care of yourself so that you can be your best. See my posts about self-care on this site and make it a priority.

As for your marriage — keep that as a higher priority as well. Many parents tend to think that kids should be a higher priority. But the research is clear that a strong marriage is the best environment for kids. I once heard someone say that your marriage is the sun and your children are the orbiting planets. That seems like a good analogy to me. Children thrive when the adults around them are healthy and happy.

Here are some books that have helped me through the years. Even if you don’t agree with everything in these books, you will find some wisdom to guide you.

And Then I Had Kids: Encouragement for Mothers of Young Children by Susan Alexander Yates
And Then I Had Teenagers: Encouragement for Parents of Teens & Preteens by Susan Alexander Yates
The New Dare to Discipline by James Dobson
The New Strong-Willed Child by James Dobson
The New Six Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children by John Rosemond
John Rosemond’s Fail-Safe Formula for Helping Your Child Succeed in School by John Rosemond
The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed by Jessica Lahey
How Children Succeed by Paul Tough
The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter & How to Make the Most of Them Nowby Meg Jay

A new book I just got from Amazon and can’t wait to read: How to Raise Successful People: Simple Lessons for Radical Results by Esther Wojcicki.

I would love to hear your comments! Watch for my next post about technology, homework and extracurricular activities!